Blackadder V
by BizarrePineapple15
Summary: June 1215, and King John is signing the Magna Carta. But Baldrick turns up dressed as the Pope and begins a civil war, leading to the murder of King John and 9-year-old King Henry III becoming King. In this series, set in January 1217, Lord Blackadder must face being the servant of a nine-year-old and Baldrick becomes a carpenter, with Lord Melchettus's foot trapped in a door too!
1. Episode 1: Pope Baldrick I

**BLACKADDER V**

**by BIZARREPINEAPPLE15**

**Episode 1: POPE BALDRICK I**

June 1215. The scorching sun burnt brightly down onto the perfect fields of Windsor, illuminating them in a heavenly way. The sky was perfect blue, with not a cloud in sight.

**MEANWHILE...**

"Baldrick, get here now!" demanded Lord Blackadder angrily. He was standing in the messy, dark cellar that was Baldrick's quarters. His hair was curling slightly and of a brown, slightly greying, colour. He wore a posh black frock-coat and a white crisp shirt. Lord Blackadder's servant Baldrick appeared at the door of the cellar, wearing his seedy brown tunic and stained trousers, with a dirty face and straggly hair.

"Yes, Your Lordship?" queried Baldrick in his wavering tones. Blackadder slapped him hard on the face. Baldrick rubbed his significantly redder cheek.

"What was that for, sir?" he asked, confused.

"Partly because of the ghastly smell that seems to have sprung from nowhere, and partly because- I have just received word from our _good friend _Lord Melchettus-" he began, pronouncing the words 'good friend' with utter hate and sarcasm, "that _you, _Baldrick, have been out without my permission. And where to, you may ask. The answer appears to be that you have sneaked off to an auction without my permission".

"Well, you see, I 'eard about it in the paper, sir, and I thought, _yeah, this sounds good, _an' I went to the auction, and well, I bought some posh clothes and a big stick, sir," replied Baldrick.

"_Some posh clothes and a big stick_?" repeated Blackadder in disbelief. You sneaked off without my permission to buy some linen and driftwood? Anyway, Baldrick, I didn't think you had any concept of money. How did you buy these posh clothes and this big stick?".

"Well, I sold the auctioneer _you_, sir," replied Baldrick.

"What?!" spluttered Blackadder. "How could you sell him _me_?"

"It was easy. I just put up me hand and said "I'll sell you a rich nobleman", an' he said yes".

"I didn't mean 'how did the state of affairs happen?', I meant 'why on earth did you sell him me?'"

"Well I don't have any money, sir, an' I thought, _what's the most valuable thing I know_? And I thought _hang on a minute, Lord Blackadder is the most valuable thing I know_, so I put me hand up and-"

"I know this bit, Baldrick. So what, am I going to have be a servant to him?"

"Yes, apparently".

"Apparently? Who is this posh snob anyway?"

"It's the King, sir. King John".

"_What?! _You sold me as a servant, to the _King_?"

"Yeah".

"Right then Baldrick. You have a busy night ahead of you. First you will line up against the wall and be pelted with tiny dung balls from Lord Melchettus' personal store, and then you will be forced to eat an entire pie from Lady Miggins' pie shop. I'll order an earwig and mud cake, shall I?"

"But, sir. King John needs you for tomorrow".

"Why?"

"Because he's got to go to a field in Windsor and put some sticky stuff onto some paper".

"Baldrick, what on earth are you trying to say?"

"Well, sir, the King is going to a field in Windsor to meet with some posh noblemen and to put some sticky stuff-"

"A seal?" inquired Blackadder.

"No, don't be silly, Your Lordship. Seals are the things from the sea. You'd never fit that onto a piece of paper. Anyway, he's putting some sticky stuff onto a piece of paper – um, a Magnet Cart".

"Magna Carta, Baldrick?"

"That's it".

"I've heard about this, Baldrick, and I'm not happy. Knowing I have to witness it myself makes me even madder. This Magna Carta is supposed to reduce the King's power. And I don't like that. King John is the most dishonest, cheating liar I have ever known".

"That's bad, isn't it, Your Lordship?" Blackadder hit Baldrick on the cheek again.

"No, it's good. King John is the mirror image of me. I like King John considerably more than you, Baldrick. And this Magna Carta will limit his power. That shouldn't happen. Well, Baldrick, get packing, you rancid wreck, we are off to Windsor. And bring your posh clothes and big stick. I have an idea..."

**THE NEXT MORNING, THE FIELD, WINDSOR**

"You sure you've got everything, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.

"Yes, sir. The posh clothes-"

"Robes, Baldrick".

"And the big stick".

"Sceptre, Baldrick".

"Yeah, the Robes Baldrick and the Sceptre Baldrick".

"No, they're not called the Robes Baldrick and the Sceptre Baldrick. They're called robes, and a sceptre. I just put your name at the end of them".

"I don't understand, sir".

"Shall I hit you again, Baldrick?"

"No, sir".

"Get changed then. And be on time. You know what to do".

"Look, it's Lord Melchettus and King John".

"Don't be silly Baldrick – oh god, it is! What's Melchettus doing here? Anyway, get ready. Good luck".

Baldrick retreated into a bush. Unfortunately, it was a rose bush. Blackadder walked over to the centre of the field, where around ten noblemen were gathered. King John, the King of England, stood nervously in his silver, elaborate robes. Lord Melchettus wore black and crimson robes which punctuated the green-ness of the field.

"Assembled noblemen, it is here on the 15th of June in the Year of Our Lord 1215, that we gather to witness the signing of the Magna Carta – the Great Charter which will limit the power of the King of England forever more," said Lord Melchettus ceremoniously.

"By bally, I can't write. How on earth will I sign this bloody charter?" whispered King John to Lord Melchettus.

"Use the sticky stuff, Your Highness".

"Oh right. Sorry about that".

Lord Melchettus resumed his speech. "As noblemen, our money, tax rates and land will be considerably safer than before. Therefore, it is presumed nobody here has any objections to the signing of this charter. If anybody does have any objections to this, please speak or forever hold your peace".

"God, this is more of a marriage between the King and the scroll than a signing, isn't it?" whispered Blackadder irritably. At this moment, Baldrick was supposed to enter in the posh robes with the big stick. Nothing happened.

"Anybody?" inquired Lord Melchettus.

"What's an objection?" asked King John to Lord Melchettus.

"It means if anybody does not want the charter to be signed," replied Melchettus.

Baldrick stumbled up to Melchettus, out of the rose bush, wearing the 'posh clothes' he had talked about, and holding the 'big stick' which was a sceptre. He looked remarkably like the Pope – which was the idea.

"I am the Pope," he said, "and I have an objection to the signing. King John does not need to put the sticky stuff on the paper, and that is why I say YES, I do have an objection".

"That's rubbish!" cried a nobleman.

"No it isn't!" piped up another.

"It is – he's not even the Pope!" spluttered another.

"Of course he is, can't you see?" roared another.

"This is war!" declared the first nobleman.

"Oh god, Baldrick. You do realise what you've done, don't you?" asked Blackadder.

"No, sir".

"You've started a civil war..."

**Lord Blackadder... ROWAN ATKINSON**

**Baldrick... TONY ROBINSON**

**Lord Melchettus... STEPHEN FRY**

**King John... HUGH LAURIE**

**HISTORICAL CONTEXT: The Magna Carta did mean 'Great Charter'. It was signed on 15 June 1215. And The Pope – the real one, not Baldrick – did complain that King John did not need to sign the Magna Carta, leading to a civil war in England which ended with King John's death in October 1216. However, the Pope was not present at the signing. Also, King John really couldn't write and sealed the Magna Carta instead. Thank you for reading.**


	2. Episode 2: Carpenter Baldrick

**BLACKADDER V**

**by BIZARREPINEAPPLE15**

**Episode 2: CARPENTER BALDRICK**

**BALDRICK'S QUARTERS, BLACKADDER MANSION**

"I mean, would you believe it, Baldrick? After that civil war you started ended up killing King John, we've now got a King on the throne who's nine years old. Nine!"

"Nein nine, neun!" chimed Baldrick cheerfully.

"What?" asked Blackadder half-heartedly.

"Nein nine, neun!" repeated Baldrick.

"Nine what?"

"Nein nine, neun!"

"Nine fine loins?"

"Nein! Nein nine, neun!"

"What on earth are you trying to say?"

"It's German. It's means: not nine, neun! Neun means nine in German. I'm learning German. So you said "nine" and I said "not nine, neun!"

"Why are you learning German?"

"I want to go to Germany".

"Stop wanting, then. Baldrick. Come on, pack your toothbrush, or whatever you use instead..." he gazed at Baldrick's brown, rotting teeth "...if anything. We're off to meet our new King. I won't give his age, if you don't mind".

**MEANWHILE, THE PALACE OF KING HENRY**

"Your Highness. Or, in this case, Your Shortness, King Henry. I am here to tell you that your appointment with Lord Blackadder has been confirmed and will occur in precisely ten minutes," droned Lord Melchettus, who promptly left the royal room of the Palace.

"Adder? I'm scared of snakes! Mummy!"

Isabella of Angouleme, the mother of King Henry III, appeared, in a lengthy, flowing silky cream-coloured dress.

"Yes, Henry?"

"There are snakes!"

"Snakes? No, darling, it's a man coming to meet you. Goodbye now. By the way, I've arranged for David to come for tea this evening". Isabella kissed her son goodbye and left, just as William Marshal, the King's 'Prince Regent', who made all the important decisions for him, arrived.

"Lord Blackadder is scheduled to arrive in five minutes, Your Highness. He's known for having a bit of a temper, but then again everybody already knows he's a grumpy sod. Good day".

"Indeed," replied King Henry. The massive oak doors to the King's royal room swung open jerkily, creaking madly.

"Sorry, the doors got stuck. And the one on the left really needs oiling," said Lord Melchettus uneasily. "Argh!" he cried as the door jerked backwards onto his foot. Lord Blackadder entered, his shiny boots squeaking slightly on the elaborate yellow floor as he walked on and on and on...

"Lord Melchettus, are you sure the King's throne isn't moving further and further away from me the further I walk?" he inquired, turning around to find Lord Melchettus staring him in the face, his foot still stuck in the door.

"Lord Blackadder, you haven't moved," he replied.

"Oh yes," replied Blackadder, moving towards the King's throne.

"King Henry III, I, Edmund Blackadder, am here to- pay you a visit really. Just a flying visit, nothing much. I'd advise getting a carpenter to sort out the door. Or maybe you could just leave Lord Melchettus stuck there for eternity".

"Blackadder," boomed the King.

"Blimey, that's a deep voice," replied Blackadder.

"Blackadder, you may have thought your escape was finalised. It is not".

"With respect your Highness, what on earth are you on about?"

"Two years ago, you were sold as a slave to my father John. However, it is a family policy that all possessions of the deceased are handed down to the deceased's relatives. This includes slaves. This means that despite the fact that it has been nearly two years since the purchase, and despite the fact I am not John, you remain a servant to the royal family, and a servant to me. However, I have heard tales of your extraordinary bravery and courage".

"From Lord Melchettus, I presume?"

"No," replied Melchettus from the door, still trying to dislodge his foot.

"It is for this reason I do not wish to take you on as a full-time slave, but know that should I call upon you, you must come, and you must pay regular visits to my palace".

"Yes, Your Tinyness- Highness, sorry".

"However, I have hit upon a problem, Lord Blackadder".

"You believe that your reign is pathetic and dwindling, too, Your Highness?"

"NO! I want you to find me a suitable carpenter to sort out these doors. Do it now, Lord".

"Yes, Your Highness".

**BACK IN BALDRICK'S QUARTERS, BLACKADDER MANSION**

"Baldrick, I have good news and bad news".

"What's the bad news?"

"Baldrick, it is my utter regret to inform you that I have become a servant to a nine-year-old". Baldrick began to laugh.

"Shut up!"

"What's the good news?"

"Baldrick, you're becoming a carpenter..."

**THE NEXT DAY, THE PALACE OF KING HENRY**

"Lord Melchettus, you extracted your foot from the door!" beamed Blackadder.

"Indeed I have, Lord Blackadder. I see you have brought a tramp into the Palace".

"Oi, Lord Melchettus! I happen to own two sheepskins!"

"I reiterate: Blackadder, I see you have brought a tramp into the Palace. Why, I wonder?"

"I have found a carpenter for King Henry III".

"With no tools or experience? The King won't like that".

"The King won't like anything but toys and his mummy!"

"Your Highness, Lord Blackadder has returned with a carpenter," announced Lord Melchettus.

"Well, I know that. And why are you calling me Your Highness?" queried Blackadder.

"No, I'm telling the King," announced Melchettus, swinging open the doors again. "You may enter, though I must leave you now".

"Oh, thank goodness," retorted Blackadder, leading Baldrick into the royal hall.

"Your Highness, I have found the best carpenter in the whole of the land. His name is Baldrick, first name... unknown. Species... unknown. His speciality is... um... wooden types of wood. He charges nothing but demands an obligatory fee for his master. That would be me".

"You can start on the two massive doors there, Baldrick First Name Unknown. Shave off a few inches, so they don't asphyxiate Lord Melchettus again".

"But I can't do carpenting".

"Very funny, Mr. Baldrick. Now get to work!"

**ONE HOUR LATER**

The doors were considerably changed. Baldrick had not taken any wood off the bottom of them, but instead had removed pieces of wood from the door to create an accurate image of his face and the word "BALDRICK" in capital letters, in the door.

The Prince Regent seemed to drone on and on when this was finished. "Mr. Baldrick, the King wishes to inform you that he wishes never to see you in this palace again. Mr. Blackadder, he says you need to learn responsibility. He says he knows you didn't expect to be scolded by a nine-year-old, and concludes by telling me to tell you that he is going to throw a hissy fit at the notion of a peasant's face being carved into his doors. That is all".

**BLACKADDER MANSION, LATER**

Blackadder was in an unusually jovial mood, or at least that's what Baldrick interpreted it as. "Well, that went great Baldrick, didn't it? Do it all again, tomorrow, I suspect. That would be great. If you don't mind, I think I'm off to asphyxiate myself on the palace doors. Goodbye now".

**Lord Blackadder... ROWAN ATKINSON**

**Baldrick... TONY ROBINSON**

**Lord Melchettus... STEPHEN FRY**

**King Henry III... JOHN BELL**

**Isabella of Angouleme... MIRANDA RICHARDSON**

**William Marshal, Prince Regent... TIM McINNERNY**

**HISTORICAL CONTEXT: Henry III was nine years old when crowned in 1216. His mother was Isabella of Angouleme, though he probably wasn't scared of snakes. Henry III did have a Prince Regent who basically made all the important decisions for him. Until 1219, it was William Marshal. There is no record of Baldrick becoming the King's carpenter, however. Or of his face being carved into the doors of a palace.**


	3. Episode 3: William, Victorious

**BLACKADDER V**

**by BIZARREPINEAPPLE15**

**Episode 3: WILLIAM, VICTORIOUS**

**BLACKADDER MANSION**

Lord Blackadder growled angrily as he slapped a mahogany table in front of him in the parlour of his vast mansion. His brown curling hair was longer than ever before, and he looked noble yet perpetually frustrated. Baldrick appeared at the door of the parlour to find Blackadder hitting a golden goblet and sending it clattering to the stone flags of the floor.

"What's wrong, sir?" he asked.

"I know you will be completely and utterly baffled by this, so I won't go into it in too much detail, but I am having to pay tax once again. Firstly, I have little money and secondly, I don't think I should be paying vast sums of money to a king of nine years and four months".

"Well it can't be too much, can it?"

Blackadder showed Baldrick the parchment upon which was written the amount of money he had to pay.

"Crikey!" cried Baldrick. "I thought the King liked you!"

"As did I, Baldrick, but the King may have risen the tax for one of two reasons. One is that the Prince Regent, William the Marshal, despises me eternally. Can you think what the other one might be?"

"I...I..."

"Yes?" asked Blackadder, with a sly smile playing on his face.

"I did a bad job with the palace door," suggested Baldrick.

"Yes, Baldrick! I allowed a man of your imbecilic qualities loose on a piece of royal architecture and you carved your face onto it".

"We'll find the money somehow, won't we, sir?" asked Baldrick.

"Blimey, you could talk the hind legs off a donkey! You could out-talk Lord Melchettus! You do go on, don't you? I'm off for a walk. Tidy this place up and please Baldrick, remove the truly awful stench from your quarters, will you?"

"You don't even like walking".

"Nyeh! Nyat! Say nothing, Baldrick, I am off. About the walk, anything to get away from here". And off he went.

**TEN MINUTES LATER, **Lord Blackadder knocked on the door of the royal palace and heard a voice allow him to enter. He opened the doors, which had been replaced and did not have Baldrick's face carved onto them, and found only the Prince Regent, William Marshal, there, sitting in the throne of the King.

"Where is the King?" enquired Blackadder coldly.

"Well, he left on a royal outing, and left me in charge".

"You know why I am here?"

"I think I do. You have your tax?"

"No. I am here to oppose it. It is far too much money, and ridiculous, and I think you set the tax".

"Of course I did. I rule the country".

"King Henry rules the- actually, I don't want to defend _him_. Don't worry, I will find a way to claim this tax, Prince".

"Of course you will, Blackadder. I will hopefully be round to collect your tax sometime soon".

"Of course you will, Prince Regent," and Blackadder turned and left, snarling under his breath.

**TEN MINUTES LATER, **Blackadder was walking peacefully along a country lane, glaring at the trees and shooting daggers from his eyes at the birds, his gaze making flowers wilt. A bumbling figure in black and red robes ambled up to him, a smug smile appearing on his face.

"Lord Blackadder, good to see you!" rejoiced Lord Melchettus.

"Oh. Sorry, are you talking to me? I see you've escaped from the King for a while. I called in at the palace, but you weren't there".

"For once we are very much on the same side, Lord Blackadder, _against _these ridiculous taxes. I blame the Prince Regent. A right skanky weasel, him".

"Well that's true of a few others as well," responded Lord Blackadder, itching his nose nonchalantly. "Well I must be off now – away from one bad smell, back to another".

"Is your house really _that _bad?" asked Melchettus in a heartbeat.

"Be seeing you". As Lord Melchettus left, Blackadder examined his robes – black as night – he had an idea...

**HALF AN HOUR LATER, **Blackadder returned with a black eye and scarred face, his hair flopped down. Baldrick saw him, screamed and ran. After he had calmed down, he found the courage to ask-

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Why thank you Baldrick for showing your obvious concern by screaming at my appearance and fleeing. I went into Blackethorn Road, the 'street of criminals' as it has become known, and it turns out they have a dislike of posh 'toffs' such as myself. But I found out a burglar named Creevey, and he taught me the tricks of the trade".

"But why, sir?"

"So I can pay the tax, Baldrick".

"I don't understand sir".

"You don't understand anything, Baldrick, do you? I am trying to tell you that we are going to burgle a house to find the extra little money for the tax. I've checked and we need about one hundred groats, Baldrick, so I have found the house of a doddery old lady named Wilhelmina Marcelle, and it isn't well protected, so tonight you and me are robbing the house".

"I've never robbed a house before, sir".

"Good girl".

"But how do I do it?"

"Leave it to me. Meet me in Kingstreet Lane at eleven o'clock tonight. And you've removed the bad stench from down here, I notice".

"No. It's just I stabbed a rat by accident and the smells mingled to make a nice smell".

"I wished I hadn't said a thing. You truly do alienate everybody you meet".

"Why thank you, Lord Blackadder".

"It wasn't a compliment".

"Oh. Right then".

**AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK THAT NIGHT,** Baldrick snuck up to Kingstreet Lane on tip-toes, trying to be as quiet as he could. Unfortunately he had very heavy shoes on and was making a very loud noise. Blackadder clamped his gloved hand over Baldrick's mouth.

"Shh... this is it. Right, I'll go in first. You follow when I give you a thumbs up".

"But how will I see the thumbs up?"

"Using your eyes, Baldrick".

"But it's dark".

"That's what this match is for". Blackadder smiled as he noticed that the wooden door to the house was not even locked. "Blimey, Wilhelmina Marcelle must be a very forgetful old darling, mustn't she? And for a Lord, this is so undignified".

Blackadder entered the house and looked around. He noticed that he was being confronted by a simple-looking kitchen, and gave a thumbs up so Baldrick could follow. Together, they crept past the wooden table of the kitchen to find a set of three drawers. Baldrick opened the first one to find a bunch of quills and some ink. He tried the second and found nothing. Blackadder pushed past him and opened the third. Blackadder winced as it clanked open. But he smiled to find bags of money.

"Perfect! We'll only take what we need, Baldrick, so you take three bags, I'll take those- OW!" Blackadder's match had nearly burnt out and it was burning his finger. He blew it out, but then another light came on, right next to his face. He looked up from the light to find the person carrying it: it was, impossibly, William Marshal, the Prince Regent!

"Thought you'd try to steal my money, did you?" he asked. Blackadder noticed that he didn't look infuriated or surprised, yet pleased, in the dim light of the lamp he was holding.

"It was Baldrick's idea. You don't look surprised, Prince Regent".

"I don't, do I?"

"Oh, I get it! You're here to steal money as well to pay yourself the taxes!" said Baldrick. Blackadder hit him over the head.

"As a matter of fact, you don't look much like a Wilhelmina Marcelle," he noticed wisely.

"Wilhelmina Marcelle is a fake name. I thought you'd get it. Wilhelmina Marcelle... William Marshal. This is my home and I could just guess that you would come here to steal money, so I placed copious amounts of it in the drawer. But it clunks more than the rest, so I'd know when you had come, and be able to catch you red-handed!"

"What a cunning plan. Well, me and Baldrick must be off now, so goodbye to you," said Blackadder, turning to leave.

"Not so fast!" commanded the Prince Regent. Blackadder stopped in his tracks.

"How about I take the tax down by a hundred groats or so? You obviously had a very clever plan, Edmund, and good minds are much appreciated at the palace. You must work one extra hour a week at the palace, but I'll take the tax down".

"No other catches?"

"No".

"Fine," huffed Blackadder. "Be seeing you," he said, as he turned and ran.

**Lord Blackadder... ROWAN ATKINSON**

**Baldrick... TONY ROBINSON**

**Lord Melchettus... STEPHEN FRY**

**William Marshal... TIM McINNERNY**

**HISTORICAL CONTEXT: Not much historical stuff for this one, other than Henry's Prince Regent being William Marshal, until 1219. Some errors in this one, factually, I think, but just ignore them and pretend they're deliberate. After all, the first series of Blackadder had an entirely changed history! Episode 4 will be coming some time this month, hopefully.**


	4. Episode 4: Furniture de la Melchettus

**BLACKADDER V**

**by BIZARREPINEAPPLE15**

**Episode 4: FURNITURE DE LA MELCHETTUS**

**IN THE LAVISH PARLOUR OF BLACKADDER MANSION**, Lord Edmund Blackadder surveyed his vast array of furniture, from his ornate oak cabinets to his velvet armchairs, with utter disgust. He thought it would be best to chop everything up and turn it into firewood, or something of that nature. He thought he should chop it up, nail it together and then give it to Baldrick as a bed. He thought he should do anything to rid himself of the chairs. Because, for while they _looked _superb, they were actually completely and utterly worthless. And why? Because Baldrick had made the furniture, it wasn't made of posh wood or velvet, and it had cost Blackadder and Baldrick a combined thousand pounds.

Baldrick, in one more of his cunning plans, had decided to make his own furniture to sell online. But he had no idea how to make furniture and crudely made something out of cheap wood, and sold it to an anonymous buyer, who turned out to be Lord Melchettus. Melchettus decided to refuse the furniture and bluntly said under law he could sell the furniture back to its owner and still claim the money, so he did.

And now Baldrick and Blackadder had to collaborate together and find enough money between them to pay off the bill for the furniture, to Lord Melchettus. And that had amounted to one thousand pounds, and Blackadder was left with the furniture, which nobody would end up buying. And it stank of Baldrick, and Baldrick's scent was not one Lord Blackadder wished to have polluting his mansion.

Baldrick entered the parlour, smelling horrible once again. His brown tunic was even shabbier, muckier and dirtier than before, and his hair not much better.

"Baldrick, you look a mess. Or, business as usual, as it is more commonly known," began Lord Blackadder jovially.

"Why thank you sir," replied Baldrick curtly, in his traditional manner. "I know you're upset about the furniture issue, but I've found a solution, see".

"What?" asked Blackadder, sighing heavily.

"Well, I was looking through the pieces of paper we keep in the bin".

"Bills, Baldrick".

"And it turns out that Lord Melchettus appears to owe us some money after a little loop-the-loop in a contract he signed when he agreed to become a civil servant to King Henry, sir".

"A loop_hole_, Baldrick. But that's brilliant! Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. I live in the bins. It was my bedding last night, and I noticed it, and I thought "that will make Mr. Blackadder very happy" and so I came up to show it to you".

"Brilliant, Baldrick".

**THE NEXT DAY, **Blackadder rapped his knuckles on the door to Lord Melchettus' house. Melchettus answered the door and shut it immediately. He opened it again.

"I do beg your pardon, I thought it was a carol singer".

"In March, Lord Melchettus?" asked Baldrick.

"Um... yes. Well, do come in to my humble abode. I wonder why you are here".

Baldrick made to enter the house, but Melchettus wagged a finger at him. "Ah, ah, ah- no smelly beggars allowed in my house!"

In Melchettus' parlour, he turned to Blackadder.

"So Blackadder, why have you made it your business to call upon me in this early hour?"

"You owe me money, Lord Melchettus. Baldrick has found a document here which states that you owe us some money, due to a loop-the-loop in a contract you signed to become a civil servant. I think you'll agree it's all in order".

"Why, how on ea-"

"Good, I thought you'd see it my way. Now, the amount you owe me is a small matter of a thousand pounds – nothing to a lord of your calibre, Melchettus, but I have a better proposal".

"Oh god, I'm-, you can't- oh, oh no sorry, I get you, no, sorry".

"Yes. How about you pay half the money to me in cash, and with the other half make me a complete set of furniture. Yourself. To replace the furniture made by the oaf you didn't let in your house. I expect two armchairs, an oak cabinet or two and a nice little table, and I expect it in three weeks, or you will be accompanying me to court, and I think even with Baldrick as a witness on behalf of the prosecution, I will win fair and square. All in order? Good". Blackadder stood up and walked calmly out of the house.

"Oh Lord," cried Melchettus. There was another knock on his door. Intriuged, Melchettus went to open it. Baldrick blew a raspberry in his face, and shut the door.

"How imbecilic," said Melchettus to himself, wondering where on earth he would get the wood to make the furniture. But then he had an idea... he needed money to buy wood, and money unfortunately meant work. But he could pester somebody he knew for work and money...

**THE NEXT MORNING, **it was Blackadder who heard a sharp knock on his door. Intrigued, he went to open it, and found, smiling at him, Lord Melchettus.

"Lord Blackadder! Good morning! I need a favour from you!"

"With greatest respect, Lord, buzz off". Blackadder tried to shut his door but Melchettus jammed his foot in it.

"I don't think so, Lord Blackadder," said Lord Melchettus. "You asked me to make some furniture for you, but I don't have any wood and I don't have much money to buy some, so I thought maybe you could employ me so I could earn a bit of a money".

"You lie, Melchettus. If you don't make me that furniture by tomorrow at noon, I will take this... issue to court". And it was the turn of Blackadder to jam the door shut.

**AT NOON THE NEXT DAY, **Blackadder walked up to Lord Melchettus' house and knocked on it. He was rather surprised to find Lord Melchettus not looking tired at all.

"Hello, Lord Blackadder. I've finished the furniture, all myself of course, as indicated by your terms and conditions-" At that moment, a man with long brown hair and a light brown tunic, walked past Melchettus and out of the house. "Done it, Lord Melchettus," he announced as he walked down the street.

"Lord Melchettus, there is no chance of course that the man who has just walked out of your house in shabby clothes, covered in sweat and announcing he has finished something, is in fact a carpenter working for you to make a set of furniture for me, is there?"

"No, of course not Blackadder".

"Good. Let's see the furniture, then".

Melchettus led Blackadder into his hallway and through into his parlour, where Blackadder found a complete set of furniture. He inspected it with glee, surveying each item of furniture: the lavish oak cabinet, the mahogany dining-table and the two plush armchairs. But then his eye caught upon something: two small words inscribed onto one leg of the dining-table. As he looked, he found that each item of furniture had the same two words inscribed upon them. He bent down low to the ground and inspected the words. They read, in scruffy writing, "BY BALDRICK".

**SOON AFTER, **Blackadder walked into Baldrick's smelly quarters, ignoring the smell temporarily.

"Baldrick, why on earth have you made the furniture for Melchettus, when I asked him to make it himself?"

"Well, I have a real knack with carpenting, Melchettus said, after what I did upon the palace door".

You do not need to know the rest of the story, only that Blackadder hit Baldrick for forty-one minutes constantly.

**THE CAST**

**Lord Blackadder...ROWAN ATKINSON**

**Baldrick...TONY ROBINSON**

**Lord Melchettus...STEPHEN FRY**

**HISTORICAL CONTEXT: Nothing really in this story, sorry.**


	5. Episode 5: Five Go To Norway

**BLACKADDER V**

**by BIZARREPINEAPPLE15**

**Episode 5: FIVE GO TO NORWAY**

"Baldrick, get rid of that pig, will you?" Blackadder strolled uncomfortably into the cellar of his mansion, which was currently inhabited by a revoltingly smelly animal. And a pig. The revolting smelly animal was Baldrick, Lord Blackadder's dogsbody servant, and he had been keeping a pig for a hobby. Blackadder had no idea how the pig had survived an entire two days in the care of Baldrick, but either the pig or Baldrick was starting to stink out the whole of Blackadder Mansion.

"But why, sir?" asked Baldrick. As usual, he had no idea about anything his master said or did. He wore shabby clothes and had an innocent appearance and voice, always coming up with cunning plans that turned out to be completely irrelevant and pointless, but that was Baldrick for you.

"Because it is making the most revolting smell, even worse than the smell created at the time nine months before you were born, Baldrick, when you were conceived between a pig farmer and a bearded lady".

Blackadder was about to turn on his heels and leave the cellar, but then he had a thought. He turned back to Baldrick.

"Baldrick, hand me the biscuit barrel. I need some money".

"Why, sir?"

"It's an awfully good new sport – it's called 'Mock Melchettus'. Every rich lord's doing it. Melchettus is completely broke now, and as a sensible and trusted lord, it is my duty to take the mickey out of him, in the lordy fashion".

"Here it is, Mr B". Baldrick handed him the biscuit barrel, containing most of the combined money of Lord Blackadder and Baldrick; this being the large fortune amassed by Lord Blackadder, and the three pence earned by Baldrick for selling his home baking to people so that _they _could give it to people who they didn't like.

"We're looking a little low on cash, Baldrick. We need to find some way to earn money".

"I could try my carpenting ag-"

"NO, BALDRICK".

"Okay. Maybe we could try the new thing".

"What is the new thing, Baldrick?"

"Grave-robbing. It's all the rage".

"Who could we grave-rob, Baldrick? Oh, I've got an idea. Baldrick, keep running into my fist many times, until you're dead. Then we can grave-rob _you_!"

"But-"

"No, I have a better idea. A much better idea. Oh it's good".

"What is it?"

"The Norwegian king, Inge II, died yesterday".

"Angie Second?"

"Inge II, Baldrick. We could set off for Norway today, reach there by tomorrow, rob his grave and take all his valuables, and then bring them back here, and sell them off. That's excellent! But first of all, Baldrick, get rid of that pig".

"But I like that pig. I love it like I'd love my son, if I had one".

"Well I'm sure Baldrick, with you as the father, that's probably what it'd look like".

"Anyway, we won't have enough money to go to Norway".

"Leave that to me..."

"And that is why we must make haste to Norway," finished Lord Blackadder. He was standing in the Royal Palace and was facing King Henry III, William Marshal the Prince Regent, Lord Melchettus and Isabella of Angouleme, the mother of the king, all of whom looked considerably worried after Blackadder had told them _why _they needed to go to Norway urgently.

"How many men are there in this army of moustached Australian and Turkish OAPs, Blackadder?"

"My source tells me around three thousand. They'll attack us all but should we journey to Norway, I can assure you we'll be safe".

"Why Norway?"

"The recently deceased King Inge was a very lucky man. Apparently, his luck will pass through to us if we are in his glorious country. Unfortunately, you will have to pay for the trip, but that is a small matter if it will save your life..."

"Of course, Blackadder, of course. We depart tonight!" announced Isabella.

"Tally-ho!" cried Melchettus.

"Indeed," said King Henry.

"I must stay here to rule the country in place of the King," announced William Marshal.

"Have it your way," sneered Blackadder, turning back to his mansion to pack his things.

**THE NEXT DAY, **Baldrick and Blackadder met outside the Great Cathedral in Oslo, Norway, ready to break in. In fact, it was rather easier than they thought, and much easier a job than the one they thought it had been, so there was really no need for the black protective gear, massive body sacks, wire cutters or winches. In fact, it was the funeral of the King today, and it was a public funeral, so anybody could wander in. The funeral began at ten o'clock. Currently it was nine o'clock, yet the public were still free to roam around the church like animals, as they pleased.

"Right, come on, we'll go in like civilians, and sneak over to the front, through some curtain, and find the body," whispered Blackadder. He straightened up and walked, with Baldrick, into the large cathedral. It was massive, with an upper floor and rows of pews leading up to a small open space at the front. Choristers sang heavenly on either side of this, gazing at their song books.

Baldrick and Blackadder made their way to the _back _of the church and found a red velvet curtain. Blackadder pulled it open to find a small room containing a coffin on a table, and nobody about. Perfect. But then he realised something.

"Baldrick, how are we going to get it out? We can't just carry a coffin through a crowded church?"

"We'll think of something".

So they grabbed the coffin, and with Baldrick carrying the end where the legs would be, and Blackadder carrying the end where the head would be, the two carried it through the velvet curtain and out into the crowd.

"Is that the King?" asked a civilian, as did many gasping others.

"No, in fact this is a leftover coffin full of gardening equipment for my new job as a royal gardener," said Blackadder, and they carried on, out of the church, as quickly as possible. Victorious.

**TWO WEEKS LATER, **Blackadder was standing in the Royal Palace.

"So the army have gone back home now?" asked Isabella of Angouleme.

"I didn't notice them anywhere!" proclaimed William Marshal sceptically.

"They probably didn't come to this part of England," explained Blackadder.

"And how have you amassed this new fortune?" asked King Henry.

"Family inheritance, King Henry, family inheritance".

* * *

_**Starring**_

**ROWAN ATKINSON as LORD EDMUND BLACKADDER**

**TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK**

**STEPHEN FRY as LORD MELCHETTUS**

**JOHN BELL as KING HENRY III**

**MIRANDA RICHARDSON as ISABELLA OF ANGOULEME**

**TIM McINNERNY as WILLIAM MARSHAL, PRINCE REGENT**

* * *

**HISTORICAL CONTEXT: King Inge II of Norway did indeed die on April 23rd 1217. But Henry III didn't go to pay tribute to him, or end up stealing his body. A few anachronisms in here again - I don't know if Britain knew of the existence of Norway, Australia and Turkey in 1217, but just try and ignore it and get on with the story!**

**A NOTE: I'm sorry this is quite short. But you do get 2 chapters in one day, so all's well, huh? Also, did you know that this episode was the last one to be written, of the series.**


	6. Episode 6: The Killing

**BLACKADDER V**

**by BIZARREPINEAPPLE15**

**Episode 6: THE KILLING**

* * *

**IN THE ROYAL PALACE, **Isabella of Angouleme was wondering where her son had got to. The son in question was the nine-year-old King Henry III of England, the commander of all of England, who had many servants who were much older than him, and was frequently surrounded by adults who wondered whenever he would stop his constant temper tantrums. And so she had instructed that he had some time to cool down and play, but he'd decided to play hide-and-seek with himself and had been let loose in the palace. Isabella only knew where her son was, depending on the rumours that were always flying around the palace. One of the maids had just told her that the King had been spotted trying to hit things with a stick in the courtyard.

Isabella sighed. She was pressured and worried. When King John had died the previous year, 1216, the rich barons present at the signing of the Magna Carta, who had a strong dislike of King John, offered the English throne to Louis, Dauphin of France, though the rightful heir was John's son, Henry III. Henry had been crowned very speedily, in fact only ten days after King John's death. This confused the barons and threw them into disarray. The French had tried to invade England once in the year already but were defeated in Lincoln. However, there had been rumours circulating that the French were going to attack once again, this time in Sandwich in Kent. Isabella had heard that they were developing their weapons for a full-scale attack, and she was worried about herself and Henry. She didn't much mind if the Prince Regent died.

There was a loud knock on the door: rap-rap-rap! Isabella flicked back into reality and gave a little jump, startled to be woken from her daydreaming. "Enter," she boomed, composing herself. She sighed heavily as the doors opened to reveal Lord Melchettus, the snobby civil servant she had to command. He was dressed in lurid pink robes.

"Feeling effeminate today are we, Lord Melchettus?" chuckled Isabella, a feint smile playing on her lips.

"They were red, I promise you. I left them out in the sun for too long and now... they are pink," divulged Melchettus mournfully.

Isabella decided she'd had enough of Melchettus already. "Goodbye, Melchettus, protector of the King, respected servant to the King, occasional bottom-wiper of the King, only when he has diarrhoea, and above all, friend to the King-"

"Idiot of the land, oaf of the palace and smelly stinker," finished Lord Blackadder, appearing at the palace door. "Hello, my fair lady Isabella of flaxen hair and golden locks".

"I don't have golden locks, I have brown hair, you oaf!" said Melchettus.

"How amusing, Lord Melchettus, but perchance it be that the French do attack, I think I may have found a way to repel them, My Lady Isabella".

"Which way is this?" enquired Isabella.

"It is the smell of Baldrick. Yes, I heartily believe that the pungent, revolting whiff of this shabby peasant is enough to kill a cow at twenty paces. It is for this reason I suggest we get Baldrick to partake in a copious amount of physical exercise, so his perspiration can mingle with his general smell of sadness and dog poo, and be bottled, to pour over the French scum when they invade".

"Melikes this idea, Lord Blackadder. I shall think it over, though I am confident already about my answer. Melchettus, you have three days to see if you can find a better antidote to the French than the smell of Baldrick. The best one will win a thousand groats".

"A thousand groats, your majesty?" asked Lord Melchettus.

"Shut up, you're rich enough," snapped Blackadder, turning, and leaving the palace, shutting the door behind him. Outside the palace, he found Baldrick and a horse.

"It looks like you've made contact with your ancestors, Baldrick!" he cried jovially.

"No, master, this is Sherwin, and he's my horse," replied Baldrick.

"That's very funny, Baldrick".

"No really, he is! I got him from a man on the street".

"You don't have any money. That's impossible".

"No it isn't. He said I could have it for twelve monthly payments of five thousand, and that's just another word for 'you can have it for free', isn't it?"

Blackadder slapped Baldrick. "Twelve monthly payments of five thousand groats, Baldrick, meaning... lots of money that neither you nor me has! You need to give that horse back right now!"

"But..."

"No buts!"

Suddenly, a man came running out of the palace. It was Lord Melchettus.

"Blackadder, in here! The King's mother needs you!" he shouted urgently.

Blackadder following, wondering what was going on. Isabella was panicking and hyperventilating. "Blackadder, we ride to Kent, now!" she cried.

"Oh goodness, you've smelt Baldrick as well?"

"No, the French are invading!"

"It'll take a while to get to Kent, Isabella".

"Well, we must do something – they are here, Blackadder, they are here!"

"No, they're not".

"No, in the country, I mean!"

"Fine, I shall depart on Sherwin to Kent and see what I can do. Baldrick and Melchettus shall accompany us. Should you wish to come, Isabella?"

"I should wish to see my country beating France! We shall kick their arses out of our country!"

And so Lord Edmund Blackadder, his servant Baldrick, the mother of the King, Isabella of Angouleme, and another Lord, Lord Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchettus, rode on horseback to Kent, to find the French and English having a quarrel.

Spears were being thrown, swords clanking against each other and men were shouting exceptionally rude comments to each other, loudly. Isabella gasped; she had never expected the battlefield would be as bad as this.

"All this fuss about _my son_?" she thought. "Go Henry!" she chanted.

"Come on, Lord Melchettus, get down, you don't want to get an arrow stuck in you! Lord Melchettus... Lord Melchettus, where on Earth are you?"

**IN THE HOME OF LORD MELCHETTUS, BACK IN LONDON, **Lord Melchettus smiled. He'd made sure to ride behind the others, so that he could turn back and return to London. He wasn't going to be killed on a battlefield, any day. He picked up the cup of milk next to him and put it to his lips, listening to the bittersweet strains of music – oboes, clarinets and recorders - being played outside his window. A remarkably familiar tune...

**BACK ON THE BATTLEFIELD IN KENT, **Blackadder, Isabella and Baldrick were ducked down behind a massive pile of sacks of corn which had been thrown down by somebody as they fled from the battlefield, presumably. Blackadder had no idea how somebody could be so imbecilic that they could mislay twenty sacks of corn, but he didn't fuss because if they weren't there, he would be dead.

"Right, people, we must move," instructed Blackadder. Isabella stood up first, poised to move away, when there was a crack like a whip, and Isabella fell backwards, keeling over almost like she was paralysed. Her lifeless eyes rolled up into her head and a small bloodstain appeared on her forehead, around the massive spear that had buried itself in her forehead.

"No, Isabella, she's popped her clogs!" cried Baldrick.

"Yes, Baldrick, I am afraid we're in rather more trouble than I first believed. We must be more careful. It appears the French believe we are English scum, and the English believe we are French scum, whereas in actual fact we are only English scum, and that's only one of us – you, Baldrick".

"Who said 'we are only English scum'? Who?" cried a voice. A head appeared at the top of the sacks of corn. "You – English scum. You!"

"Blackadder, Sir?" asked Baldrick.

"Yes, Baldrick?" enquired Blackadder.

"We're in trouble aren't we?"

"Yes, Baldrick, yes we are".

**THE NEXT DAY, IN LORD MELCHETTUS' HOUSE, **the man himself was sitting comfortably, when he decided to open the envelope he had received that day. Upon opening it he found news that Isabella, Baldrick and Blackadder had been shot, that the French had been defeated, and that the milk he had been lent by Baldrick – the milk he had drunk yesterday - wasn't actually milk.

* * *

**Starring (in order of disappearance):**

**MIRANDA RICHARDSON as Isabella, Countess of Angouleme**

**TONY ROBINSON as Baldrick **

**ROWAN ATKINSON as Lord Edmund Blackadder**

**And he who survived:**

**STEPHEN FRY as Lord Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchettus**

* * *

**HISTORICAL CONTEXT: The barons present at the signing of the Magna Carta did first offer the English throne to Louis, Dauphin of France, but Henry was crowned speedily and this confused the barons. The French tried to invade England (so Louis could be king) twice in 1217 and a treaty was signed the same year to establish peace between the barons, France and supporters of Henry. Thank god history textbooks! However, Isabella did not die in battle or even witness it.**

**DID YOU KNOW?: This episode was meant to be Episode Four, under the title of 'Isabella and the French' but was pushed back to sixth when it was decided that Blackadder and co. should die in battle against France.**

* * *

**Lord Blackadder and Baldrick will return at Christmas in...**

**BLACKADDER: THE ROMAN YEARS**

**25 December 2012**

**A feature length special, set in Roman times, starring ROWAN ATKINSON, TONY ROBINSON, TIM McINNERNY and HUGH LAURIE**


End file.
